Lessons from the Garden

I have been learning a lot about gardening the last few months.  To put it mildly, I've been a little consumed.  The smart thing to do would have been to start slowly.  You know, like get a couple of bulbs and see how that goes, but in true fashion to myself, I got the bulbs along with around 3,000 seeds. Getting the bulbs figured out, taken care of, and growing has been an endeavor, but, they are blooming and in a most beautiful fashion.  I have had so much joy watching them grow and bloom. It has truly been a place where God has brought beauty and joy in abundance.
 The seeds, on the other hand, are another story.  Never again do I want to seed start 3,000 seeds.  There are also so many things that can go wrong with seeds.  Which has lovingly been casting a spotlight on my desire to control. You see, I have put a lot of time and effort in to planting these, and I want them to do what they are supposed to.  I did the 1+1.  Now, I should be getting 2, but so far, nothing.  My sun room in filled with trays of dirt, that contain seeds, but no sprouts.  So, the questions have started.  Did I give them enough water? Did I put them in a place with enough sun?  Are they too cold? Are they too warm?  Did I plant them right?  Is there a way to plant them right?  And so, the questions circle my mind.  Really, they point back to the main question - Did I do my part right?
Somewhere along the way, I started believing if I do my part, then whoever or whatever should do its part as well.
Too often, I apply this logic to God.  "Ok God, I did my part.  I read my Bible, I pray everyday, and I serve faithfully at the church I regularly attend, so why haven't you done your part? Why haven't you shown up in the places that I need you to? Why have you not fulfilled your promises?"These are painful questions to ask, and questions we don't really want to ask.  When we look at the empty seed trays of our lives, no one wants to wonder about how involved God is in their life.  No one wants to think about God not "doing His part," so we do the next best thing.  We blame ourselves.  We try harder, hoping that if we enter 1+1 into the calculator enough times it will finally spit out a 2 for us because the terrifying fact that the 2 may never come is too much to bear.
The last few months with these seeds and this garden, God has used.  He uses it daily to remind me about this deeply flawed way of viewing the world.  He reminds me that life is not a math equation.  Life is about faith, faith to believe that He knows my needs and when to meet those.  It is about hope, hope to believe that He has already done the math, and in His kingdom, it comes out to a 2 every time.  It is about me trusting my Creator even when there appears to be no 2 in sight, because just like seeds there is often far more going on than I can see.
So, I wait.  I wait with hopeful expectation that these seeds that I have planted have all they need to grow and become what they were made to be.  I wait in faith knowing that a seed's one job is to grow.  I wait in trust holding on to the truth that just because I did 1+1 does not mean that I will get a 2, but my God sees me and knows exactly what He is doing.
The funny thing about seeds and flowers is that they do not think about growing or blooming.  They just face the sun and let God do the rest.

Lent and Matthew 13

A few weeks ago, I went on a women's retreat with my church.  It was so much fun.  We got to spend time learning more about prayer and different ways to pray and connect with God.  One woman shared about how she connects with God through worship and let us listen to one of her favorite songs.  As I was listening, one of the lines really caught my attention.  "Would you sell yourself to buy the one you've found?"  Partly it caught me because the line is beautiful, but it also caught my attention because it reminded me of something the Lord had shown me a few weeks earlier.  I was reading in Matthew and came across the parables about the hidden treasure and the merchant.

 Matthew 13:44-46

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls.  When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."

 As I was reading, I asked, "Lord, what are you trying to show me?"  For the first time ever, I thought of these parables in reverse.  Instead of the gospel being what we sell everything for, it was Jesus who sold everything for us.  Which, He did.  He left His home and perfect communion with the Father and Spirit because He loved us so much.  He saw us as the treasure worth selling everything for, including His life.  He literally gave everything for us.   I know it may seem sacrilegious, but just sit with that for a moment.  Let it sink in.  If that is true, then it begs the question, do I see Jesus that way too?  Do I see Him as being worth giving everything up for?
This leads me to Lent.  I did not grow up practicing Lent, and I didn't really know what it was until recently, but the practice has definitely grown on me.  The past few years, I have given something up for the 40 days of Lent, so this year, I was trying to figure out what to give up.  Then, I listened to a podcast about creating space in our busy lives.  The tag line of the podcast was how to live an unhurried, busy life.  As I listened, I realized that Lent for me this year is not about what I am giving up, but what I am creating space for.  Yes, with fasting, we create more space for God in our lives, but fasting for me has often turned into the list of do's and don't's that I can follow with precision. This practice of creating space, trying to identify the things that encroach on my space, and trusting the Lord enough to rest when He says rest has been so challenging.  There has been no right or wrong way.  I have no real way to "measure my success."  I like to measure success, that is easy, even when it is challenging, but learning a new rhythm of life, that is another whole story.   I have been trying to lean into where the Lord is calling me and what that looks like.  In the spirit of honesty, this place of calling has been challenging.  I know it sounds cushy to "create space," but for someone who likes to get a quick boost of self-esteem by what I can accomplish in a day, it has been so hard.  This attempted change in trusting my beloved agenda and to do list every day to the Lord, is so disruptive. It is pushing me to trust my worth to Him, to trust the to do list to Him, to trust what I see needs to be done vs. what actually needs to be done, to trust the timing and planning of the One who sold everything for me.  
This Lent, I am learning that new life rhythms are difficult, and I am not doing it perfectly, but this isn't about doing things perfectly.  I am learning that the One who sold everything to save me is the only One whose values I should live by and the only One whose opinion of me truly gets to count.  The only One who freely gives time, self-esteem, and worth is the only One who is worth selling everything for.
So, this season, me selling my everything looks like stepping into creating space and trusting that He is holding everything else.

When We Are Not Ok

Well, it has definitely been a while since I have had a chance to write.  It seems 2018 ended for me just as I spent many of the days, keeping my head above water. And while 2019 has been fun, let's be real it has been a whirlwind so far.  So, I am excited to finally be back!
Usually, every year, I enjoy sitting down at the first of the year to review how my previous year went, what my accomplishments were, what my struggles were.  A few days past New Year's I realized that I was actively avoiding this.  Any free time was spent elsewhere.  When I stopped to check in with myself on this, I became deeply aware that I did not want to review the last year.  The idea of reading through my journals, gratitude list, or even planner felt overwhelmingly painful.  Last year was beautiful and painful.  No, I did not have any major losses, no one died; I still have a job and my health, but it was painful.  Since this realization, I have spent my time trying to convince myself that, yes, my year was painful, but others had it worse.  Others suffered more.  What a trick of the enemy.  I don't know about you but oftentimes when something painful has happened, I believe the lie that others have it worse, therefore I do not get to grieve or be hurt.  I deny myself the space to not be ok, and instead turn to being busy and all of the other unhealthy ways I try to medicate my broken heart.  Heartbreak is heartbreak no matter what the cause.
 We are in March now, and I did sit down a few weeks ago to review my year.  It turns out I needed to do a lot of forgiving God and myself before I could go through everything.  Yes, I was really mad at God for the ways I perceived He had failed me, but I was more mad at myself.  I was refusing to forgive myself because I believed that I could not "blame" God, which left me as the only other option.  I'm learning that sometimes things just do not go as we believe they should or thought they would, and there really isn't anyone to blame, even yourself.
What I did find when I went through everything was, yes, the painful moments, but I found far more of God's grace, mercy, love, and kindness.  When I went back and looked at the picture as I whole, I realized that He had shown up time and time again in my moments of pain and anger to keep my heart alive, to give me what I needed to keep fighting.  Even when my anger was directed at Him, He still fought for me and showed up for me.  Sometimes He showed up in a song on the radio, another time in the most magnificent rainbow.  He showed up.  His love was and is faithful.
The truth is it has taken me about 6 weeks to finish this post, and it's funny how much has changed from when I started writing this one to now.  When I started, I was still very much hurting and trying to figure out what to do with all the broken pieces.  Now, I have invited the Lord in to bring healing to the broken and hurting places, and He has.  That does not mean that the He has waved a magic wand and everything is all better, but He has brought peace and hope and joy.  He has shown up in some truly incredible ways over the last few weeks, all the while reminding me that He always finishes the stories He starts. 
Friends, I don't know what you have been through in your life, the past year, or the past week, but I want to remind you that it is ok to not be ok.  Just because your pain is "smaller" than someone else's does not mean that you cannot still grieve.  Pain is pain.  Let yourself hurt, but don't stay there forever.  Ask the Lord to come in and start healing.  Ask Him to give you a fresh perspective on a recent pain or hardship.  Ask Him to show you how He will turn this for good.  Ask Him to show you where in your pain and suffering He gave you more of Himself.  I have faith that He will.  I have faith that He has already shown up for you, and He will again.

Lord, give us the eyes to see you and come heal our broken places.