Creativity and Comparison

I think the quote goes something like, “Comparison is the thief of all joy.” It’s from Theodore Roosevelt. While I completely agree, I would also argue that comparison is the killer of creativity.  If I am being honest, I felt the call to start writing several months ago.  Instead of listening to the voice within that was telling me to start this journey, I chose to listen to all of the reasons I have no business attempting to write, comparison being the main one.
I have always been notorious about comparing myself to others.  In school, it was grades, looks, athletic ability (or lack there of). As an adult, it has morphed more into comparing my work, still looks, friendships, how much I am serving, and pretty much just about anything you can think of.  The really sticky side of comparison is that it can quickly lead to judgement of others and myself.  And, as the saying goes, I am my own worst critic.  For a few months, I let the lies of "I'm not good enough" and "I have nothing to offer" keep me silent and from stepping into a place where God was calling me.  I looked around my life and social media outlets at the people that might be reading what I wrote, and I kept talking myself out of it.  Partly, writing or creativity of any kind takes vulnerability and courage, and I did not know if I was ready to share what was going on in my life in such a public way.  I also looked at my friends, several of whom read this blog, knowing that their writing abilities far outshine mine.  They are writers, editors, and hold actual degrees in writing.  Their work is amazing, and so are they. That part inside of me kept telling me that I would never be as good as they are, so why try.
The Lord kindly pushed me past those beliefs, showing me that what I have to offer, however imperfect, may be just what someone needs, someone that no one else could reach.  He also reminded me that this story, my story, anything I write, is not mine; it is all His.  "If I call you to write, it is to tell my story."  I was also reminded of this idea at the Captivating retreat.  They were talking about the idea of how we all want to have an irreplaceable role in this world, how we all somewhere inside have the desire for our lives and what we do to matter.  Comparison was brought up and how it robs us of our ability to see what we do have to contribute.  The speaker then used an illustration that has stuck with me.  She shared that each of our circumstances and histories leave marks on us, marks unique to who we are that no one else will ever have, and those marks are the lenses through which we see the world.  Because we all have different lenses, we each see the world in different ways.  Like, if you could only see close up and I could only see far away, it would take each of us working together to bring about the full picture.  I loved that thought because it reminded me that what I have to say and contribute in all areas of my life, writing, creating, counseling, serving, bring pieces to the picture that only I can contribute.  When I am living into my irreplaceable role, I am bringing to this hurting world just what it needs.
So, my challenge to you, friend, is to figure out what you feel your heart calling you to do, more importantly, God calling you to do.  (Side note:  If that "calling" falls into the category of God says it's a bad idea in the Bible, then reevaluate that.) Take the time to sort that out, talk it through with God, family, and close friends.  Then, do not let comparison stand in your way.  Do not let it silence you any longer.  This world needs what you have to bring to the table, even if it isn't the best or most shiny.  We still need it and you.  So, for now, I will continue to write, to share the story I am living in all of its imperfection because the story I am living and writing is His, and if He has called me to write, it is to tell His story.

Seasons

The season is finally changing here in Nashville.  It is finally starting to feel like Fall.  While I enjoy Summer, there has always been something special to me about moving into Fall.  I'm not really sure what it is, but my heart always breathes a sigh of relief when I feel that first touch of Fall.  To be honest, I felt it about a month ago when I was walking my dog.  The breeze had just the slightest touch of crispness to it, and my heart breathed, "a new season is coming."
I'm ready for a new season in my life too.  I feel like I have been living in this one for well over a year.  It hasn't been a bad season, in fact it has brought much joy, closer friendships, a healthier view of myself, and more importantly a closeness in my walk with God that I did not ever know was possible.  I have always believed in Jesus and that He loves me, but I think that for most of my life I have also believed the lies that He loves me because He has to and that I am just another one of His followers that He sorta keeps an eye on, but certainly not a favorite.  This last season, He has been so loving to break me of those lies, to show up in big ways for me, to remind me that He doesn't just keep an eye on me, but He actively wants to do life with me, to show me that I am Always Chosen.  This past season shifted my view of God and who He is to me, it is truly hard to put into words, and the effect that this shift has had on my heart and life is even harder.  The best way to sum it up is to say that for the first time in my life, I am finally starting to see myself as He sees me.  With that said, this season has also been one of the hardest of my life.  You see, a year and 3 months ago, God gave me a promise, a promise that spoke to my deepest desires, a promise that pushed me far outside of my comfort zone and challenged me to have unwavering faith.  So, I took God up on the promise, believing that if I did my part, He would do His.  But, nothing happened.  Instead of celebrating the ways I believed God would come through for me, I had to grieve what I had hoped for, what I had planned for.  And, let's be real, I was angry.  I was so mad at God because all the signs pointed to "He failed me," but I was also super conflicted because I did not want to be mad at God.  Being mad at Him did not feel very safe.
Last weekend, I went to the Captivating retreat in Colorado.  I've been twice before, and each time has changed my life and filled my soul.  I knew I needed to be there, but I wasn't really sure I wanted to be there with God, who I was trying not to be mad at.  All I wanted was to feel like I could breathe again, to feel like the pain and hurt were not crushing me.  Part of the retreat is to spend time with God, asking Him where you need healing and then leaning into that.  When I did ask, His response was gentle and kind.  He told me that I needed to hurt, needed to be angry with Him, and when I had done that, needed to decide if I wanted to trust Him again.  He told me to take all of the time that I needed to decide what I wanted to do.  He also said, "Let me remind you that I am good and for you."  So, I let myself be mad.  I let myself be hurt.  I also cynically waited to see if He really would show up for me.  Thing is, He did show up.  Not in a grand here I am Jesus kind of way, but in ways that spoke to my heart, things in nature, conversations with people, songs, and hope.  He did not share with me why this promise did not go the way I thought it would, but gave me the sense that my timing on the promise was wrong, and that He is not done yet.
Last weekend was also my changing of the season.  I had sensed it going into the retreat.  I had been sensing that the season of my life was about to change, and while gone, He affirmed this feeling.  I don't know what this new season holds, and much like real seasons, the start of this one kind of looks like the end of the last.  There have not been any real shifts yet, but I sense they are coming.  This may or may not be the season that God fulfills this promise to me, but I do believe this new season will bring change in some form or fashion.  All new seasons do that, don't they?  For now, my heart is breathing a sigh of relief - this new season is here.